It can move you to act or paralyze you. You can allow it to keep you from getting what you want or you can use it take it. It’s a powerful force that has impacted my life in many ways. I’ve realized that fear of rejection is likely what left me single for so long. Fear of death motivated me to change my life. Fear of being along kept me in an unhealthy relationship. Fear of unemployment led me back to grad school. But now I’m struggling with a fear of being hurt.
After a break from the dating scene after the last (aka first) relationship debacle, I got back on eHarmony. I talked with a couple of guys…even went out on a few dates. One seemed promising (I mentioned him in my last blog) but after some time, he fell off the face of the earth. It kind of sucked because I liked him but what can I do? But I stayed in the game and continued to talk and go out with some other guys…but none of them really lit a spark in me…until recently. The guy I met is amazing. He’s incredibly good-looking and that’s just the cover of the book…the pages are filled with so much more and I’m probably only a chapter in and I can’t put it down. He’s so witty and silly and passionate and affectionate… I feel like I could learn so much from him and be a better person because of him.
But he’s moving at the beginning of the year to Baltimore for his job. It’s an amazing opportunity for him but it’s an obstacle for this budding relationship and something I’ve never had to encounter before. I know it’s not an insurmountable distance and we’ve talked about continuing to see each other after the move…but it still scares me. I’ve become attached to him…hell, I think I can safely say that I’m falling for him…and it would hurt like hell if things didn’t work out. And that’s what scares me. But I’m fighting that fear every day. I enjoy being around him far too much to push him away and deny myself the affection of such a wonderful man. Maybe I need to take that fear and turn it on it’s head…use the fear of never knowing what things could be like if they do work out to keep me chugging ahead even when there’s 90 miles between us… “To have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all,” right?
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Playing catch up
I swear I’ve been meaning to write this blog for MONTHS. But I forget easily. LOL But it probably has more to do with how difficult some of what I have to write about is to actually put on paper, so to speak. A LOT has changed in my life in the five months since my last entry. I should probably start with what happened pretty much RIGHT after that last entry…I got the ever dreaded “I need space” line from Kurt.
Days after we ran the Broad Street together, he was heading out to Pittsburgh to spend time with his family before he started a new job. He called me from a rest stop on the PA Turnpike to tell me that he and his ex had been “talking,” that he was “confused” and needed some space to think about things. As I think back on it, I swear I had some sense that this was going on...but yet even earlier that very day, he acted like nothing was wrong. Hell, I had even ASKED a few days before Broad Street if things were okay between us (again, that sense I had) and he straight up told me that we were fine…which I now to know to be a bald faced lie.
The days following this just sucked ass. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t eat. When I tried to eat, I threw it up. I ended up losing about 5lbs in the course of a few days. And it couldn’t have come at a worse time. He dropped this news on me on a Thursday. I was starting back to grad school that Tuesday (more on this later). Great way to start off the semester, huh? I tried to give him his space but it wasn’t easy. Especially when he texted me about the Penguins winning the first game of the conference championships. Yeah, I’m here crying my eyes out and tied up in knots, but you go enjoy your hockey game and then text me about it, you douche. I’ve realized now that that was just one of many instances of his complete and total thoughtlessness when it came to me. Another one, for example, was just a few days after that when I started back to school. I got calls, texts or emails from my friends wishing me good luck on my first day back but I didn’t hear a peep from him. Even though the day before I had sent him a text message wishing HIM good luck with his first day of training for his new job.
But that was just the way it went for the next several weeks. I heard NOTHING from him. After a couple of weeks, I left him a voicemail message telling him that if he needed more time, that was fine…if it was over, fine…I just needed to know one way or another if I needed to start to move on. Nothing. Some time after that, I left him another message that I wanted to get my things that I had left at his apartment and to please let me know when I could get them…even though I had a key to his apartment and could have gone and gotten them whenever I wanted to, but I was trying to be respectful and not enter his apartment without him knowing. It took a few days before I finally heard something from him…in a text message of course. After some messages back and forth he said he would be home that day (Sunday of Memorial Day weekend) and it was okay for me to go down that day if I could please be gone by 8pm. *eye* I asked why the big deal about 8…he said he couldn’t face me. Whatever. Well, I was done doing things on his timetable and told him I’d be down whenever I was able to be. With that, he FINALLY called me…his first words to me? “Well, THAT got my attention.” I’m sorry…I thought you were supposed to give a shit about me…I didn’t know it took making a statement like that to finally get your sorry ass to call me. We finally hashed some things out and, as I even told him, had the conversation that was at that point over 3 weeks overdue. He was still confused and didn’t know what he wanted…but he wasn’t talking to anyone about it…blah blah blah. I told him I wasn’t going to be an “option” any more and that when he figured out what he wanted, I wasn’t going to be there any more. I was done. It was over for me. So later that day, I trekked down to his apartment with the few things he had left at my apartment and got my things. I left him an envelope for him to mail my key back to me (which I’ve yet to have returned). He texted me again on my way there to make sure I’d be in and gone before 8…which made me a little suspicious about what was the big deal about me being gone before that time, but I stopped caring…he wasn’t going to be my problem any more. And that was it. It was a little harder to walk into his apartment than I thought it would be, but it was a necessary step in the healing process for me. That was my closure.
In retrospect, it was the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in time. Before he even mentioned “space,” I was starting to question whether I should be in that relationship. There were things he said and did that made me feel like crap about myself. I even started wondering what would happen if his ex decided she wanted him back (because he led me to believe that she dumped him and broke his heart…but I now question whether that is the real story there at all…but again, I really don’t care enough to find out). But I wouldn’t let myself listen to my own intuition…all because it was my first relationship and I thought maybe this kind of stuff happened in relationships…maybe things would get better once things had settled down between his new job and me starting school. I realize now that I should have listened to myself…trusted what I knew in my gut to be true…that someone who claims to love you won’t make you feel like shit, who will be supportive and hold you instead of telling you to stop crying and go blow your nose when you’re upset, and who won’t make you wonder what you have to do to get him to want to touch you…or wonder what’s wrong with you that he doesn’t want to touch you. I realize how selfish he was and how controlling he would have become had he never gotten “confused.”
I thought the day that I told him it was over for me and had gotten my things would be the end of this mess with him. But sadly, it wasn’t. In mid-June in the middle of the night I got a text message from him saying that he thought I should know that things were over between him and his ex. It was a little late for that to matter, dontcha think? And that’s exactly what I told him. Things should have been over with him and his ex before he signed up for eHarmony. And that wasn’t the end either. Almost like clockwork I would get a text message from him telling me that he wanted to talk to me, that he was sorry about what happened…so on and so forth. I stopped replying to them for a while. But they still came. I asked him what part of leave me alone and I don’t want to have anything to do with you don’t you understand…but he kept sending them. I threatened him with a restraining order if he contacted me again. That bought me a couple of weeks of peace. I told him I started dating someone, leave me alone (again…more on that later). Even just last week I got a message from him that he’s sorry about what happened…he made a mistake…we had something good…would I please just talk to him. I told him he was a joke. I told him that nothing he could say or do would make me want to even be his friend and to leave me alone because he was wasting his time. He responded back about how it upset him that I was being mean. I didn’t respond because I don’t care if he thinks I’m being mean.
This morning was the final straw for me. He called me before 8:30 this morning (I was still sleeping damn it!). I didn’t answer it because I was out of it and thank God I didn’t because I didn’t realize it was him until after he left me a message. Apparently we were matched on eHarmony this morning…which HAS to be a sign (according to him). I’m tired of him being in my life, so I finally called up Verizon and asked them to change my number. I had been avoiding doing it because it was going to be a PITA and I’ve had this same number for about 10 years, but if this is the only way to get him out of my life, so be it.
Now that I’ve wasted more energy on him than I needed to…on to the rest of my life…both literally and figuratively…
I mentioned I’ve gone back to school. I’ve been saying for years that I wanted to go back and get a doctorate. Well, I’m back in school but not for the doctorate…yet. I started thinking about what I really need now to have some career security and realized that what I needed most was to be able to get licensed…and I only need a master’s for that. Back in March I was at an EAPA meeting at LaSalle’s Bucks County campus. The head of their graduate psychology department mentioned that LaSalle had a professional counseling master’s program that was perfect for people in the field wanting to become LPCs and that they had just opened up a campus at the Metroplex in Plymouth Meeting. It was serendipity, I swear. I couldn’t get any closer for a master’s program unless the classes were held in my apartment. As soon as I got back to work that day, I started my application for the program. A month later, I got my acceptance letter.
So, I’m officially a student again. My classes began in early May. I decided just to take two a semester. Enough that it would only take me about 3 years or so to get through the program but not too much that I’d be ready to kill myself over the workload. My first two classes were Psychopathology (which I thought I was going to love) and Developmental Psychology (which I thought I was going to hate). The workload for these two classes was insane! Reading every week, a 15 page research paper for psychopathology, a presentation and a 10 page research paper for developmental psych…not to mention the tests. I was so stressed out. Fortunately, I made it through both classes with As. I ended up loving developmental psych because the teacher was great and not really liking psychopathology because the teacher was a scatterbrain and the book was written for doctors. Fun fun.
I just started the fall semester about six weeks ago. I’m taking Counseling Lab and Statistics. The stats class just SUUUUUCKS. The teacher is unprepared and condescending…not to mention that I’ve had this class twice before between undergrad and my first master’s program. So far though, it’s been easy for me and I’m doing well. The Counseling Lab class is great. I love the teacher and I’m actually learning things that I’ve already been able to use at work. This week we had to videotape an “interview.” Now I have to sit down and transcribe selections of it where I used the skills we learned for my mid-term. Really not wanting to do that…so I’m blogging instead. LOL
Another big development in my life that occurred this summer was that Phyllis and I parted ways after living together since 1999. She’d been miserable in her job and had been looking locally for a new job for some time. After having no luck, she started working with a recruiter and ended up finding a job in Manhattan. The part that sucked was that she decided she was going to take the job the same weekend that shithead told me he needed “space.” So that ended up being a very difficult time for me. Not only was I dealing with relationship shit, but I was also facing living on my own for the first time in my life…which just scared the shit out of me. A lot of it was handling all the finances on my own. But another part of it was realizing how much I really need people in my life. Fortunately, things have worked out well and I’m very happy on my own now. Phyllis moved into an apartment in the Bronx the end of June, so I was in our apartment on my own for about 3 months. The end of September I moved into my own apartment. I love it. It’s completely remodeled with all new appliances…the bathroom has brand new tiling…the kitchen is brand new. It’s fantastic. I was also able to get some new furniture thanks to working my butt off for 3 straight weeks doing bonus shifts at work. I still have to get new living room tables and decorate…but other than that, I’m pretty settled now.
I’m getting settled again in more ways than just my new apartment. With all the upheaval I had to deal with in May, my running was pushed to the back burner. Which just drove me NUTS. I hated that I wasn’t running as often as I wanted to, but I was so overwhelmed with my schoolwork and my personal life, that I just didn’t have the time for it. Fortunately, once the summer semester started coming to a close, I was able to get back out on the roads and run again. Unfortunately, I upped the intensity of my running too quickly and started having some shin pain. I’ve been able to manage it and am going to get some new running shoes today, so it’s not set me back any. Jenn and I ran the Philly Distance Run in September…we had the goal of a 2:30 finish but ended up finishing in 2:40 thanks to an overabundance of walkers at the early parts of the race. We’re signed up for the half at the Philly Marathon and hope to hit 2:30 this time around. I think we’ll be able to do it because they have pacers and I think this is a more serious race than the PDR so there should be fewer walkers. I also think it’s possible because I will be able to put in more training time for this race (a full 8 weeks) than I was able to do for the PDR. But we’ll see.
The other big thing that happened is that I signed up for eHarmony again. Yes, I know I must be a glutton for punishment but despite how things worked out between me and shithead, it was a good match. And of all the online dating sites out there, I like the premise of this one the best. I signed up at the end of August. Since then I’ve been in communication with a couple of decent guys and have gone out on two dates. The first date was a big disappointment. The guy didn’t look anything like his pictures…which led me to believe that they were several years old. And while I took the time to get dressed up and look really nice, he showed up looking sloppy...which in all ended up being a major turn-off. When I emailed him the next day that there was no chemistry for me, he took it well and has left me alone. The second date (which I had just this week) went SO much better. He and I had been talking for several weeks before we finally met. He was early, clearly made an effort to look nice and was a complete gentleman. We met up for dinner and then decided to go to a movie afterwards. I had a great time with him…he is so funny and he just absolutely fascinates me…I could listen to him talk for hours without ever getting bored. We both want to see each other again…but this weekend just sucks for both of us. But I’m sure things will work out so we can go out again soon.
In all, I feel like I’m in a good place right now…above all I’m hopeful about what life has in store for me…which is a much better place to be than where I was 5 months ago.
Days after we ran the Broad Street together, he was heading out to Pittsburgh to spend time with his family before he started a new job. He called me from a rest stop on the PA Turnpike to tell me that he and his ex had been “talking,” that he was “confused” and needed some space to think about things. As I think back on it, I swear I had some sense that this was going on...but yet even earlier that very day, he acted like nothing was wrong. Hell, I had even ASKED a few days before Broad Street if things were okay between us (again, that sense I had) and he straight up told me that we were fine…which I now to know to be a bald faced lie.
The days following this just sucked ass. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t eat. When I tried to eat, I threw it up. I ended up losing about 5lbs in the course of a few days. And it couldn’t have come at a worse time. He dropped this news on me on a Thursday. I was starting back to grad school that Tuesday (more on this later). Great way to start off the semester, huh? I tried to give him his space but it wasn’t easy. Especially when he texted me about the Penguins winning the first game of the conference championships. Yeah, I’m here crying my eyes out and tied up in knots, but you go enjoy your hockey game and then text me about it, you douche. I’ve realized now that that was just one of many instances of his complete and total thoughtlessness when it came to me. Another one, for example, was just a few days after that when I started back to school. I got calls, texts or emails from my friends wishing me good luck on my first day back but I didn’t hear a peep from him. Even though the day before I had sent him a text message wishing HIM good luck with his first day of training for his new job.
But that was just the way it went for the next several weeks. I heard NOTHING from him. After a couple of weeks, I left him a voicemail message telling him that if he needed more time, that was fine…if it was over, fine…I just needed to know one way or another if I needed to start to move on. Nothing. Some time after that, I left him another message that I wanted to get my things that I had left at his apartment and to please let me know when I could get them…even though I had a key to his apartment and could have gone and gotten them whenever I wanted to, but I was trying to be respectful and not enter his apartment without him knowing. It took a few days before I finally heard something from him…in a text message of course. After some messages back and forth he said he would be home that day (Sunday of Memorial Day weekend) and it was okay for me to go down that day if I could please be gone by 8pm. *eye* I asked why the big deal about 8…he said he couldn’t face me. Whatever. Well, I was done doing things on his timetable and told him I’d be down whenever I was able to be. With that, he FINALLY called me…his first words to me? “Well, THAT got my attention.” I’m sorry…I thought you were supposed to give a shit about me…I didn’t know it took making a statement like that to finally get your sorry ass to call me. We finally hashed some things out and, as I even told him, had the conversation that was at that point over 3 weeks overdue. He was still confused and didn’t know what he wanted…but he wasn’t talking to anyone about it…blah blah blah. I told him I wasn’t going to be an “option” any more and that when he figured out what he wanted, I wasn’t going to be there any more. I was done. It was over for me. So later that day, I trekked down to his apartment with the few things he had left at my apartment and got my things. I left him an envelope for him to mail my key back to me (which I’ve yet to have returned). He texted me again on my way there to make sure I’d be in and gone before 8…which made me a little suspicious about what was the big deal about me being gone before that time, but I stopped caring…he wasn’t going to be my problem any more. And that was it. It was a little harder to walk into his apartment than I thought it would be, but it was a necessary step in the healing process for me. That was my closure.
In retrospect, it was the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in time. Before he even mentioned “space,” I was starting to question whether I should be in that relationship. There were things he said and did that made me feel like crap about myself. I even started wondering what would happen if his ex decided she wanted him back (because he led me to believe that she dumped him and broke his heart…but I now question whether that is the real story there at all…but again, I really don’t care enough to find out). But I wouldn’t let myself listen to my own intuition…all because it was my first relationship and I thought maybe this kind of stuff happened in relationships…maybe things would get better once things had settled down between his new job and me starting school. I realize now that I should have listened to myself…trusted what I knew in my gut to be true…that someone who claims to love you won’t make you feel like shit, who will be supportive and hold you instead of telling you to stop crying and go blow your nose when you’re upset, and who won’t make you wonder what you have to do to get him to want to touch you…or wonder what’s wrong with you that he doesn’t want to touch you. I realize how selfish he was and how controlling he would have become had he never gotten “confused.”
I thought the day that I told him it was over for me and had gotten my things would be the end of this mess with him. But sadly, it wasn’t. In mid-June in the middle of the night I got a text message from him saying that he thought I should know that things were over between him and his ex. It was a little late for that to matter, dontcha think? And that’s exactly what I told him. Things should have been over with him and his ex before he signed up for eHarmony. And that wasn’t the end either. Almost like clockwork I would get a text message from him telling me that he wanted to talk to me, that he was sorry about what happened…so on and so forth. I stopped replying to them for a while. But they still came. I asked him what part of leave me alone and I don’t want to have anything to do with you don’t you understand…but he kept sending them. I threatened him with a restraining order if he contacted me again. That bought me a couple of weeks of peace. I told him I started dating someone, leave me alone (again…more on that later). Even just last week I got a message from him that he’s sorry about what happened…he made a mistake…we had something good…would I please just talk to him. I told him he was a joke. I told him that nothing he could say or do would make me want to even be his friend and to leave me alone because he was wasting his time. He responded back about how it upset him that I was being mean. I didn’t respond because I don’t care if he thinks I’m being mean.
This morning was the final straw for me. He called me before 8:30 this morning (I was still sleeping damn it!). I didn’t answer it because I was out of it and thank God I didn’t because I didn’t realize it was him until after he left me a message. Apparently we were matched on eHarmony this morning…which HAS to be a sign (according to him). I’m tired of him being in my life, so I finally called up Verizon and asked them to change my number. I had been avoiding doing it because it was going to be a PITA and I’ve had this same number for about 10 years, but if this is the only way to get him out of my life, so be it.
Now that I’ve wasted more energy on him than I needed to…on to the rest of my life…both literally and figuratively…
I mentioned I’ve gone back to school. I’ve been saying for years that I wanted to go back and get a doctorate. Well, I’m back in school but not for the doctorate…yet. I started thinking about what I really need now to have some career security and realized that what I needed most was to be able to get licensed…and I only need a master’s for that. Back in March I was at an EAPA meeting at LaSalle’s Bucks County campus. The head of their graduate psychology department mentioned that LaSalle had a professional counseling master’s program that was perfect for people in the field wanting to become LPCs and that they had just opened up a campus at the Metroplex in Plymouth Meeting. It was serendipity, I swear. I couldn’t get any closer for a master’s program unless the classes were held in my apartment. As soon as I got back to work that day, I started my application for the program. A month later, I got my acceptance letter.
So, I’m officially a student again. My classes began in early May. I decided just to take two a semester. Enough that it would only take me about 3 years or so to get through the program but not too much that I’d be ready to kill myself over the workload. My first two classes were Psychopathology (which I thought I was going to love) and Developmental Psychology (which I thought I was going to hate). The workload for these two classes was insane! Reading every week, a 15 page research paper for psychopathology, a presentation and a 10 page research paper for developmental psych…not to mention the tests. I was so stressed out. Fortunately, I made it through both classes with As. I ended up loving developmental psych because the teacher was great and not really liking psychopathology because the teacher was a scatterbrain and the book was written for doctors. Fun fun.
I just started the fall semester about six weeks ago. I’m taking Counseling Lab and Statistics. The stats class just SUUUUUCKS. The teacher is unprepared and condescending…not to mention that I’ve had this class twice before between undergrad and my first master’s program. So far though, it’s been easy for me and I’m doing well. The Counseling Lab class is great. I love the teacher and I’m actually learning things that I’ve already been able to use at work. This week we had to videotape an “interview.” Now I have to sit down and transcribe selections of it where I used the skills we learned for my mid-term. Really not wanting to do that…so I’m blogging instead. LOL
Another big development in my life that occurred this summer was that Phyllis and I parted ways after living together since 1999. She’d been miserable in her job and had been looking locally for a new job for some time. After having no luck, she started working with a recruiter and ended up finding a job in Manhattan. The part that sucked was that she decided she was going to take the job the same weekend that shithead told me he needed “space.” So that ended up being a very difficult time for me. Not only was I dealing with relationship shit, but I was also facing living on my own for the first time in my life…which just scared the shit out of me. A lot of it was handling all the finances on my own. But another part of it was realizing how much I really need people in my life. Fortunately, things have worked out well and I’m very happy on my own now. Phyllis moved into an apartment in the Bronx the end of June, so I was in our apartment on my own for about 3 months. The end of September I moved into my own apartment. I love it. It’s completely remodeled with all new appliances…the bathroom has brand new tiling…the kitchen is brand new. It’s fantastic. I was also able to get some new furniture thanks to working my butt off for 3 straight weeks doing bonus shifts at work. I still have to get new living room tables and decorate…but other than that, I’m pretty settled now.
I’m getting settled again in more ways than just my new apartment. With all the upheaval I had to deal with in May, my running was pushed to the back burner. Which just drove me NUTS. I hated that I wasn’t running as often as I wanted to, but I was so overwhelmed with my schoolwork and my personal life, that I just didn’t have the time for it. Fortunately, once the summer semester started coming to a close, I was able to get back out on the roads and run again. Unfortunately, I upped the intensity of my running too quickly and started having some shin pain. I’ve been able to manage it and am going to get some new running shoes today, so it’s not set me back any. Jenn and I ran the Philly Distance Run in September…we had the goal of a 2:30 finish but ended up finishing in 2:40 thanks to an overabundance of walkers at the early parts of the race. We’re signed up for the half at the Philly Marathon and hope to hit 2:30 this time around. I think we’ll be able to do it because they have pacers and I think this is a more serious race than the PDR so there should be fewer walkers. I also think it’s possible because I will be able to put in more training time for this race (a full 8 weeks) than I was able to do for the PDR. But we’ll see.
The other big thing that happened is that I signed up for eHarmony again. Yes, I know I must be a glutton for punishment but despite how things worked out between me and shithead, it was a good match. And of all the online dating sites out there, I like the premise of this one the best. I signed up at the end of August. Since then I’ve been in communication with a couple of decent guys and have gone out on two dates. The first date was a big disappointment. The guy didn’t look anything like his pictures…which led me to believe that they were several years old. And while I took the time to get dressed up and look really nice, he showed up looking sloppy...which in all ended up being a major turn-off. When I emailed him the next day that there was no chemistry for me, he took it well and has left me alone. The second date (which I had just this week) went SO much better. He and I had been talking for several weeks before we finally met. He was early, clearly made an effort to look nice and was a complete gentleman. We met up for dinner and then decided to go to a movie afterwards. I had a great time with him…he is so funny and he just absolutely fascinates me…I could listen to him talk for hours without ever getting bored. We both want to see each other again…but this weekend just sucks for both of us. But I’m sure things will work out so we can go out again soon.
In all, I feel like I’m in a good place right now…above all I’m hopeful about what life has in store for me…which is a much better place to be than where I was 5 months ago.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Maintenence?
With my big two races finally run, I'm left with a dilemma...what do I do now? For the first time since I started running a little over a year ago, I have a significant period of time with no races to train for. The LiveStrong 5k and Philly Distance Run are several months away. I have no idea what kind of recovery period I should give myself and how to sufficiently recover while maintaining my running base. I guess I have some researching to do.
Besides that, I'm still trying to figure out when I want to try for my first marathon. Running Philly in November would be convenient...but that means starting training at the end of July...when it's hot. I think I may have already mentioned that heat and I do not mesh well. There are marathons in Florida in January and February that would allow for me to train during the cold months (my preference) but would require much more expense and inconvenience. I suppose I could start training this summer and see how it goes and then make my decision this fall...but in doing that, I'll have to pay more in registration fees...oy.
Anyway...I still got out for a run today. I didn't get to run before work b/c I'm still getting used to working early hours, so I ran after work. It was in the 70s, but I dressed in a singlet and shorter pants to compensate for the warmer temps. Between the breeze and the lighter clothes, it was a very comfortable 3 mile run. My legs felt no after-effects from the BSR and I feel good to go for the rest of the week.
Besides that, I'm still trying to figure out when I want to try for my first marathon. Running Philly in November would be convenient...but that means starting training at the end of July...when it's hot. I think I may have already mentioned that heat and I do not mesh well. There are marathons in Florida in January and February that would allow for me to train during the cold months (my preference) but would require much more expense and inconvenience. I suppose I could start training this summer and see how it goes and then make my decision this fall...but in doing that, I'll have to pay more in registration fees...oy.
Anyway...I still got out for a run today. I didn't get to run before work b/c I'm still getting used to working early hours, so I ran after work. It was in the 70s, but I dressed in a singlet and shorter pants to compensate for the warmer temps. Between the breeze and the lighter clothes, it was a very comfortable 3 mile run. My legs felt no after-effects from the BSR and I feel good to go for the rest of the week.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Broad Street Run
What an experience. That truly is the only way to describe Broad Street. Kurt and I were up bright and early at 5:15am (he was actually up about 4:30ish). I hit the shower before indulging in my ritual pre-long run breakfast...oatmeal and a banana. We were out the door at 6am to be at the Sports Complex by 6:30.
With no traffic/parking control at the Sports Complex, getting into the parking lots was worse than usual, but fortunately not too much worse. Once we were parked, we headed to the SEPTA stop at Broad & Pattison to catch the subway up to the start line. I don't think I have ever seen so many people on a subway car...it was insane. It seemed to take forever for the train to load, move and get to the Olney station. Once we got up to Broad Street, it was a clusterfuck. People EVERYWHERE...thousands of them! I've never run a race with so many entrants...well over 22,000 of them! So of course, when it came to the lines for the port-o-potties, they were NOT short. By the time I was able to answer nature's call and drop off my bag, there was zero time left to try to find either of the two groups of people I was supposed to meet up with (work and Runner's World forum peeps). So we walked a block or so back to the 11 min mile group to wait for the run to start. Minutes before the race to begin nature made a second call to Kurt and he headed back in the direction of the port-o-potties. Unfortunately, he did not make it back before the start and I was left to begin the race on my own.
It took nearly nine minutes for me to get to the actual start line once the gun went off...it was amazing to see the mass of humanity running in front of me. It was also nice that there were a lot of people running at around my same pace, so I never felt left behind. There was so much to take in as I ran...the guy juggling as he ran faster than me, the piles of clothing laying discarded on the road, the Shriners with their little cars, the church-goeers cheering us on... There were TONS of people lining Broad Street clapping and providing encouragement...and the groups that were handling the water/Gatorade stops were fantastic with not only providing the fluid support but also with their cheers and yells. The city definitely comes out big for this event.
There had been a forecast of rain for this morning and it was definitely overcast and grey when it began, but by the time I reached South Philly, the clouds had parted and the sun was shining. By about the 8 mile mark, there were many more people walking than at any other point during the race...I suspect that many people underestimated the endurance it takes to go 10 miles. The crowds started to thicken as we neared the Sports Complex, with runners who'd already finished joining them to cheer us slower folks on.
Somehow, as I entered the Navy Yard with just a quarter-mile to go, I was able to pick up the pace a little. When the finish line finally came into view, I managed a smile and the devil horns as I crossed (1:54:34 chip time). I walked through the finish area, returning my chip and grabbing some water and refreshments before heading back to look for Kurt. Not knowing when he made it back to the start, I had no idea how long it would be before he finished or if he had finished while I was getting food. Fortunately, I saw him cross after looking for him for just a few minutes. So then it was back through the refreshment area before stretching out for a bit. After cooling down, we headed to the shuttle buses to take us back to the parking lots...which ended up being even more of a clusterfuck than it was this morning when we arrived. We sat in traffic on Broad Street right in front of the lots for several minutes before the bus driver finally just left us out. Then we sat in my car for over a half hour trying to get out of the lot because there was no one out there directing traffic until nearly 11:45. Once someone finally got out there, traffic finally started to move and we were able to get home some 6 and half hours after we left. *thud*
With no traffic/parking control at the Sports Complex, getting into the parking lots was worse than usual, but fortunately not too much worse. Once we were parked, we headed to the SEPTA stop at Broad & Pattison to catch the subway up to the start line. I don't think I have ever seen so many people on a subway car...it was insane. It seemed to take forever for the train to load, move and get to the Olney station. Once we got up to Broad Street, it was a clusterfuck. People EVERYWHERE...thousands of them! I've never run a race with so many entrants...well over 22,000 of them! So of course, when it came to the lines for the port-o-potties, they were NOT short. By the time I was able to answer nature's call and drop off my bag, there was zero time left to try to find either of the two groups of people I was supposed to meet up with (work and Runner's World forum peeps). So we walked a block or so back to the 11 min mile group to wait for the run to start. Minutes before the race to begin nature made a second call to Kurt and he headed back in the direction of the port-o-potties. Unfortunately, he did not make it back before the start and I was left to begin the race on my own.
It took nearly nine minutes for me to get to the actual start line once the gun went off...it was amazing to see the mass of humanity running in front of me. It was also nice that there were a lot of people running at around my same pace, so I never felt left behind. There was so much to take in as I ran...the guy juggling as he ran faster than me, the piles of clothing laying discarded on the road, the Shriners with their little cars, the church-goeers cheering us on... There were TONS of people lining Broad Street clapping and providing encouragement...and the groups that were handling the water/Gatorade stops were fantastic with not only providing the fluid support but also with their cheers and yells. The city definitely comes out big for this event.
There had been a forecast of rain for this morning and it was definitely overcast and grey when it began, but by the time I reached South Philly, the clouds had parted and the sun was shining. By about the 8 mile mark, there were many more people walking than at any other point during the race...I suspect that many people underestimated the endurance it takes to go 10 miles. The crowds started to thicken as we neared the Sports Complex, with runners who'd already finished joining them to cheer us slower folks on.
Somehow, as I entered the Navy Yard with just a quarter-mile to go, I was able to pick up the pace a little. When the finish line finally came into view, I managed a smile and the devil horns as I crossed (1:54:34 chip time). I walked through the finish area, returning my chip and grabbing some water and refreshments before heading back to look for Kurt. Not knowing when he made it back to the start, I had no idea how long it would be before he finished or if he had finished while I was getting food. Fortunately, I saw him cross after looking for him for just a few minutes. So then it was back through the refreshment area before stretching out for a bit. After cooling down, we headed to the shuttle buses to take us back to the parking lots...which ended up being even more of a clusterfuck than it was this morning when we arrived. We sat in traffic on Broad Street right in front of the lots for several minutes before the bus driver finally just left us out. Then we sat in my car for over a half hour trying to get out of the lot because there was no one out there directing traffic until nearly 11:45. Once someone finally got out there, traffic finally started to move and we were able to get home some 6 and half hours after we left. *thud*
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Post Half Mary Run #2
My legs feel SO much better today than they did yesterday. I think getting that run in actually helped them to recover. Could also be due in part to the fact that I started drinking Endurox after my runs to help with recovery. Either way, I was able to get out for a 4 mile run this evening after work. I ran in Kurt's neighborhood, which I enjoy running in because it's mostly flat or with small, manageable hills and has lots of bike paths and sidewalks so I don't have to run on the road. My legs feel good and I feel ready to take on the BSR.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Post Half Mary Run
Yes, it took me THREE days to recover from the Lehigh Valley Half Marathon before I could get out and run again. THREE days! I've NEVER needed that much time to recover from a long run. So that should tell you just how brutal those hills were on that course. My legs finally felt okay enough today to try a run...but still weren't 100% recovered. I could feel soreness in my quads (particularly my left quad) with every step I took. But fortunately, the soreness wasn't prohibitive and I was able to finish my usual 3 mile course around my neighborhood. It was slow, but at least I got it done.
Here's hoping that my legs recover in time for the Broad Street Run on Sunday...
Here's hoping that my legs recover in time for the Broad Street Run on Sunday...
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Lehigh Valley Half Marathon
The past few days I haven't really been sleeping that well. I'm blaming the race. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. What this race means to me...it's a culmination of all the work I've put in, not just in the past 3 or 4 months, but over the past 18 months. I would not be capable of running this race if I hadn't dropped over 100lbs. I wouldn't even be thinking of running a half marathon if I hadn't fallen in love with running and the way it makes me feel. Finishing this race and getting that medal is a symbolic validation of every morning or long distance run, every chip or cookie not eaten, every pound lost, every encouraging word I've gotten from friends, family, co-workers. Just thinking about crossing the finish line nearly brings tears to my eyes.
I've been worrying about it a lot too. Will I remember everything I need? Will I be probably carbed up and hydrated? Will I get there in time? Will I oversleep? Just too much going on in my head that sleep has become secondary.
I had been planning to go up early on Saturday for the expo seminars but when the stomach butterflies settled in on Friday, I changed my plans. I didn't think hanging out alone all day by myself would be a good idea. So I made plans to hang out with my roommate, her sister and niece the day before. I was already planning on meeting up with them for dinner after the expo, so it wasn't that big of a change.
Friday night was another night of restless sleep. I was up often and finally around 7:40ish, I gave in and just got up. Had some breakfast, watched a little bit of TV I had on the DVR and just tried to relax as much as possible before I packed up and headed out for Allentown.
Got to the Expo about 2pm. Everything was very well organized, with lots of signage, but they seemed to be trying to do a lot of stuff in a very small space. Unfortunately though, the expo was a little underwhelming...not many exhibitors and not much there to look at. I picked up my bib, packet, chip, race windbreaker and hand puppet and then got the heck out of there. From there, my roommate and I headed over to her sister's. We were there only a few minutes before we went for a little bit of shopping at Kohl's and WalMart and then out for dinner. We wound up at the Olive Garden for dinner...mmmm...breadsticks. As great as their dessert menu is, I passed on the sweets, figuring it probably wasn't a good pre-race food.
After dropping them off after dinner, I didn't make it to my hotel until about 8:15. I had hoped to be able to meet up with some folks from the Runner's World forums for a drink that night, but I was running short on time and very low on energy. Instead, I unpacked, laid out my race day gear and jumped in the shower. It was after 9:30 by the time I actually crawled into bed. I don't think I fell into a deep sleep for quite some time and recall waking up several times through the night before I finally got out of bed at 6am.
After getting up I prepared my ritual long-run breakfast...oatmeal and a banana. I also tried to follow a hydration plan of drinking some Gatorade while getting ready. I was out the door about 7:05 to wait for the shuttle bus to come pick me up. I was standing at the entrance of the parking lot for the hotel as I watched a bus blow past me. I was standing in the same spot talking to Kurt as I watched a second bus blow past me even though I was frantically trying to wave the driver down. I ran down to the corner where the light was to try to get on the bus but the driver told me it was full and that another bus would be along...I yelled back that two buses have already passed me but he closed the doors and went on his way. This was not helping with my "will I make it in time" anxiety. A third bus finally came along a few minutes later and I managed to get to the gym around 7:30ish. I found my pace group (2:30) and then began my final preparations for the race. As I looked around I noticed a lot of people with headphones on, so I decided I'd run with mine too. I stuffed my pocket with gum and my SportsBeans, attached my bib (#2350) before I checked my bag. I had to pee, but with the lines already about 15-20 people deep, I decided to for-go a last minute potty break.
The pace group headed out to the starting line about 7:50. I did my best to stay warm in the 45 degree weather until the race began. There wasn't much room to warm up so I walked in place a bit. The race finally got started at 8:10...however, it took a few minutes for me to get to the actual starting line. The race began just behind the Allen High School on West Linden Street and was a bit of a downhill. I would eventually learn that this would be the easiest part of the race by far. As we passed by the stadium where the race finished, we passed some of the 5k runners finishing up their race, which had started 10 minutes prior to the half. The we made the first two turns and hit the 1 mile mark. I checked my watch and saw that it took me about 11:24 to get there. On pace for a 2:30 finish, but slower than I thought I could do.
At around 2 and a half miles we saw the end of the return leg of the out and back portion of the course...a big ass hill. I expected some hills for this race so I wasn't too worried, especially when I overheard someone else in my pace group mention that was one of the two hills we'd have to tackle. Boy were we both wrong!
The course followed down the Martin Luther King Parkway. It was mostly flat and I was able to make up some time from my first slow mile, hitting the 4 mile mark at 44:40. There was a water/Gatorade station shortly after the 4 mile mark, but I ran through it as I was already carrying two water bottles, one with water and one with Gatorade. I sipped on them alternately throughout the race. I managed to get ahead of my pace group during the water stop and the turnaround, but they caught up to me in no time. I hit the timing mats at the 10k mark at around 1:09.30, still averaging a good pace.
Just after the 10k mark came the first killer hill. Actually it was two hills. Up and down a bridge and then up another hill. Once we crested the second hill came the biggest surprise of the race for me...the discovery that part of the course (close to 5 miles) was on trails. And I don't mean a paved bike trail or anything like that. An actual trail. Something I have NEVER run on. I knew part of the course was on the Lehigh Parkway, but in my experience a parkway was a kind of street that cars drive on!!! It was this part of the course that totally just kicked my ass. This part of the course was chock full of hills...some "rolling" some just killer steep. I fell behind the pace group on the parkway and never caught back up.
We changed from trail back to street after about three-quarters of a mile and then ran another three-quarters of a mile before we were back on trail again. We ran on trail until we hit the big deal "covered bridge," which meant another big hill. We were back on the streets and then more trail until about 10.5 miles. It seemed every time we changed terrain, we had to tackle a hill, so I really lost count of how many hills I had to run up. There were several times during the parkway part of the course that my legs were begging me to walk, but I would not allow myself to do so.
We came out of the parkway and hit that up and down bridge again and then turned back onto MLK Drive to finish the last few miles on pretty much the same three miles we took at the beginning. Those last few miles were a gradual incline, with a few more hills thrown in for good measure. I tossed my Gatorade bottle during the last couple of miles as it seemed to be making my stomach queasy and was also making my hand sticky. I broke one of the cardinal rules of running during this race...I tried something that I hadn't done in training...I drank something other than water while running. I had taken along two packs of SportsBeans, planning on eating a pack each at the 5 and 10 mile marks, but didn't eat anything because my stomach was queasy and the thought of putting something solid into it did not feel like a good idea. I imagine the lack of fuel during the race didn't help me much either.
The miles after the 11 mile mark seemed to drag on forever...my pace had slowed to at least 12 minutes per mile and my legs were dead...the hills and incline only making it more excruciating. The volunteers and the crowds did help though...they were very encouraging throughout the entire race, helping to push me forward when it seemed like I wasn't moving at all.
The final mile cut through a park before heading back up towards the stadium for the finish. You'd think I'd be happy when I saw the stadium, but I was only more anguished because of the final steep hill I had to climb to get into it...the LVHM's version of "Heartbreak Hill," I suppose. There were more crowds and other finishers lining the hill to cheer us on as we made the final push towards the finish. Once I actually entered the stadium and could see the finish line for the first time, I did start to tear up. I hugged the inside lane of the track for the final tenth mile of the race. I was going to finish a few minutes behind my goal time, but I didn't care. I was going to finish the most grueling race I've ever dared to run.
As I turned the corner and the finish line came into view, I saw nothing else until I crossed that finish line, my arms raised triumphantly in the air. I finished. My legs and my mind were finished too but I somehow managed to collect my finisher's medal, grab a bottle of water, acquire an aluminum blanket thingie and get my chip removed. I walked off the track and back towards that final killer hill before I shot off a text message to a few of my friends..."I did it!" was all that it said. I don't think much more was needed to get across my message. I met up with my roommate and her sister before I did some much needed stretching. We stuck around long enough to hear the overall awards and learn that I had competed in the same race as a running legend, Joan Benoit Samuelson. At age 50, Joanie finished the course in a blistering 1:23:14 for 4th place overall...simply amazing. Once I saw Joanie get her award, I collected my bag and headed up yet another hill to catch the shuttle bus back to my hotel. The shuttle bus debacle continued for me as I had boarded the wrong bus and had to go BACK to the stadium and get on ANOTHER bus to get to my hotel. I finally got back to the hotel, showered, packed up and was checked out just before 1pm. Then it was off to Texas Roadhouse for a big post-race recovery meal. With a full belly, tired body and tired mind, I figure to sleep pretty good tonight. LOL
I've been worrying about it a lot too. Will I remember everything I need? Will I be probably carbed up and hydrated? Will I get there in time? Will I oversleep? Just too much going on in my head that sleep has become secondary.
I had been planning to go up early on Saturday for the expo seminars but when the stomach butterflies settled in on Friday, I changed my plans. I didn't think hanging out alone all day by myself would be a good idea. So I made plans to hang out with my roommate, her sister and niece the day before. I was already planning on meeting up with them for dinner after the expo, so it wasn't that big of a change.
Friday night was another night of restless sleep. I was up often and finally around 7:40ish, I gave in and just got up. Had some breakfast, watched a little bit of TV I had on the DVR and just tried to relax as much as possible before I packed up and headed out for Allentown.
Got to the Expo about 2pm. Everything was very well organized, with lots of signage, but they seemed to be trying to do a lot of stuff in a very small space. Unfortunately though, the expo was a little underwhelming...not many exhibitors and not much there to look at. I picked up my bib, packet, chip, race windbreaker and hand puppet and then got the heck out of there. From there, my roommate and I headed over to her sister's. We were there only a few minutes before we went for a little bit of shopping at Kohl's and WalMart and then out for dinner. We wound up at the Olive Garden for dinner...mmmm...breadsticks. As great as their dessert menu is, I passed on the sweets, figuring it probably wasn't a good pre-race food.
After dropping them off after dinner, I didn't make it to my hotel until about 8:15. I had hoped to be able to meet up with some folks from the Runner's World forums for a drink that night, but I was running short on time and very low on energy. Instead, I unpacked, laid out my race day gear and jumped in the shower. It was after 9:30 by the time I actually crawled into bed. I don't think I fell into a deep sleep for quite some time and recall waking up several times through the night before I finally got out of bed at 6am.
After getting up I prepared my ritual long-run breakfast...oatmeal and a banana. I also tried to follow a hydration plan of drinking some Gatorade while getting ready. I was out the door about 7:05 to wait for the shuttle bus to come pick me up. I was standing at the entrance of the parking lot for the hotel as I watched a bus blow past me. I was standing in the same spot talking to Kurt as I watched a second bus blow past me even though I was frantically trying to wave the driver down. I ran down to the corner where the light was to try to get on the bus but the driver told me it was full and that another bus would be along...I yelled back that two buses have already passed me but he closed the doors and went on his way. This was not helping with my "will I make it in time" anxiety. A third bus finally came along a few minutes later and I managed to get to the gym around 7:30ish. I found my pace group (2:30) and then began my final preparations for the race. As I looked around I noticed a lot of people with headphones on, so I decided I'd run with mine too. I stuffed my pocket with gum and my SportsBeans, attached my bib (#2350) before I checked my bag. I had to pee, but with the lines already about 15-20 people deep, I decided to for-go a last minute potty break.
The pace group headed out to the starting line about 7:50. I did my best to stay warm in the 45 degree weather until the race began. There wasn't much room to warm up so I walked in place a bit. The race finally got started at 8:10...however, it took a few minutes for me to get to the actual starting line. The race began just behind the Allen High School on West Linden Street and was a bit of a downhill. I would eventually learn that this would be the easiest part of the race by far. As we passed by the stadium where the race finished, we passed some of the 5k runners finishing up their race, which had started 10 minutes prior to the half. The we made the first two turns and hit the 1 mile mark. I checked my watch and saw that it took me about 11:24 to get there. On pace for a 2:30 finish, but slower than I thought I could do.
At around 2 and a half miles we saw the end of the return leg of the out and back portion of the course...a big ass hill. I expected some hills for this race so I wasn't too worried, especially when I overheard someone else in my pace group mention that was one of the two hills we'd have to tackle. Boy were we both wrong!
The course followed down the Martin Luther King Parkway. It was mostly flat and I was able to make up some time from my first slow mile, hitting the 4 mile mark at 44:40. There was a water/Gatorade station shortly after the 4 mile mark, but I ran through it as I was already carrying two water bottles, one with water and one with Gatorade. I sipped on them alternately throughout the race. I managed to get ahead of my pace group during the water stop and the turnaround, but they caught up to me in no time. I hit the timing mats at the 10k mark at around 1:09.30, still averaging a good pace.
Just after the 10k mark came the first killer hill. Actually it was two hills. Up and down a bridge and then up another hill. Once we crested the second hill came the biggest surprise of the race for me...the discovery that part of the course (close to 5 miles) was on trails. And I don't mean a paved bike trail or anything like that. An actual trail. Something I have NEVER run on. I knew part of the course was on the Lehigh Parkway, but in my experience a parkway was a kind of street that cars drive on!!! It was this part of the course that totally just kicked my ass. This part of the course was chock full of hills...some "rolling" some just killer steep. I fell behind the pace group on the parkway and never caught back up.
We changed from trail back to street after about three-quarters of a mile and then ran another three-quarters of a mile before we were back on trail again. We ran on trail until we hit the big deal "covered bridge," which meant another big hill. We were back on the streets and then more trail until about 10.5 miles. It seemed every time we changed terrain, we had to tackle a hill, so I really lost count of how many hills I had to run up. There were several times during the parkway part of the course that my legs were begging me to walk, but I would not allow myself to do so.
We came out of the parkway and hit that up and down bridge again and then turned back onto MLK Drive to finish the last few miles on pretty much the same three miles we took at the beginning. Those last few miles were a gradual incline, with a few more hills thrown in for good measure. I tossed my Gatorade bottle during the last couple of miles as it seemed to be making my stomach queasy and was also making my hand sticky. I broke one of the cardinal rules of running during this race...I tried something that I hadn't done in training...I drank something other than water while running. I had taken along two packs of SportsBeans, planning on eating a pack each at the 5 and 10 mile marks, but didn't eat anything because my stomach was queasy and the thought of putting something solid into it did not feel like a good idea. I imagine the lack of fuel during the race didn't help me much either.
The miles after the 11 mile mark seemed to drag on forever...my pace had slowed to at least 12 minutes per mile and my legs were dead...the hills and incline only making it more excruciating. The volunteers and the crowds did help though...they were very encouraging throughout the entire race, helping to push me forward when it seemed like I wasn't moving at all.
The final mile cut through a park before heading back up towards the stadium for the finish. You'd think I'd be happy when I saw the stadium, but I was only more anguished because of the final steep hill I had to climb to get into it...the LVHM's version of "Heartbreak Hill," I suppose. There were more crowds and other finishers lining the hill to cheer us on as we made the final push towards the finish. Once I actually entered the stadium and could see the finish line for the first time, I did start to tear up. I hugged the inside lane of the track for the final tenth mile of the race. I was going to finish a few minutes behind my goal time, but I didn't care. I was going to finish the most grueling race I've ever dared to run.
As I turned the corner and the finish line came into view, I saw nothing else until I crossed that finish line, my arms raised triumphantly in the air. I finished. My legs and my mind were finished too but I somehow managed to collect my finisher's medal, grab a bottle of water, acquire an aluminum blanket thingie and get my chip removed. I walked off the track and back towards that final killer hill before I shot off a text message to a few of my friends..."I did it!" was all that it said. I don't think much more was needed to get across my message. I met up with my roommate and her sister before I did some much needed stretching. We stuck around long enough to hear the overall awards and learn that I had competed in the same race as a running legend, Joan Benoit Samuelson. At age 50, Joanie finished the course in a blistering 1:23:14 for 4th place overall...simply amazing. Once I saw Joanie get her award, I collected my bag and headed up yet another hill to catch the shuttle bus back to my hotel. The shuttle bus debacle continued for me as I had boarded the wrong bus and had to go BACK to the stadium and get on ANOTHER bus to get to my hotel. I finally got back to the hotel, showered, packed up and was checked out just before 1pm. Then it was off to Texas Roadhouse for a big post-race recovery meal. With a full belly, tired body and tired mind, I figure to sleep pretty good tonight. LOL
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